17 March 2008
... You Might Be A Nurse
My son is entering Nursing School this summer and I wanted to share these with him... most of these have been around a while so attribution is impossible. They're a takeoff on Jeff Foxworthy's "You Might Be a Redneck" schtick.
If you've ever used CTD, LTTB, or FTD (Circling the drain, Lucky to be breathing, or Fixing to die) in a conversation... you might be a nurse.
If you carry at least three pens with drug-company logos wherever you go... you might be a nurse.
If you've ever skipped the green stuff at the buffet because you're certain it was suctioned from someone earlier... you might be a nurse.
If your bladder can expand to the size of a milk jug... you might be a nurse.
If you have your weekends-off planned out for the next four months... you might be a nurse.
If you think "Number of tattoos" should be one of the diagnostic criteria for Personality Disorder... you might be a nurse.
If you've ever been attacked by someone and didn't think it was their fault... you might be a nurse.
If you believe that when saying something feels good, it's probably the wrong thing to say... you might be a nurse.
If you believe in a special Circle of Hell for the inventor of the call light... you might be a nurse.
If you've ever told a Pharmacist something they didn't know about a medication... you might be a nurse.
If your group is regularly seated in the "closed" section at Denny's because the conversations upset other customers... you might be a nurse.
If you look at a strawberry and think of it as a "heart with plaques"... you might be a nurse.
If you can tell when the moon is full without looking up... you might be a nurse.
If you've seriously considered a chest tattoo with the words "No CPR"... you might be a nurse.
If you believe in demonic-possession by minions of Satan... you might be a nurse.
If you believe experience is something you don't get until right after it's needed... you might be a nurse.
If you play poker and keep a straight face by thinking of patient teaching... you might be a nurse.
If "taking out the trash" has nothing to do with garbage day... you might be a nurse.
If you've ever filled a clean urine cup with ice water because the ward was out of paper cups at the nursing station... you might be a nurse.
If you cut cake better with a tongue-depressor than with a knife... you might be a nurse.
If you've ever reviewed "precipitous delivery" in your head before getting into an elevator with a pregnant woman... you might be a nurse.
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If you've ever spent more money on a stethoscope than a video camera... you might be a nurse.
If you mumble to yourself, "Great veins!" when looking at the arms of complete strangers... you might be a nurse.
If you believe that the more equipment a doctor carries, the newer they are... you might be a nurse.
If you wash your hands before going to the bathroom... you might be a nurse.
If you ever get scared when a child is quiet... you might be a nurse.
If you've ever been tempted to choke the life out of someone who thinks the night shift is boring because, "All the patients do is sleep"... you might be a nurse.
If you mumble to yourself, "Great veins!" when looking at the arms of complete strangers... you might be a nurse.
If you believe that the more equipment a doctor carries, the newer they are... you might be a nurse.
If you wash your hands before going to the bathroom... you might be a nurse.
If you ever get scared when a child is quiet... you might be a nurse.
If you've ever been tempted to choke the life out of someone who thinks the night shift is boring because, "All the patients do is sleep"... you might be a nurse.
If you think pizza, cookies, and coffee are a balanced meal... you might be a nurse.
If you've ever used CTD, LTTB, or FTD (Circling the drain, Lucky to be breathing, or Fixing to die) in a conversation... you might be a nurse.
If you carry at least three pens with drug-company logos wherever you go... you might be a nurse.
If you've ever skipped the green stuff at the buffet because you're certain it was suctioned from someone earlier... you might be a nurse.
If your bladder can expand to the size of a milk jug... you might be a nurse.
If you have your weekends-off planned out for the next four months... you might be a nurse.
If you think "Number of tattoos" should be one of the diagnostic criteria for Personality Disorder... you might be a nurse.
If you've ever been attacked by someone and didn't think it was their fault... you might be a nurse.
If you believe that when saying something feels good, it's probably the wrong thing to say... you might be a nurse.
If you believe in a special Circle of Hell for the inventor of the call light... you might be a nurse.
If you've ever told a Pharmacist something they didn't know about a medication... you might be a nurse.
If your group is regularly seated in the "closed" section at Denny's because the conversations upset other customers... you might be a nurse.
If you look at a strawberry and think of it as a "heart with plaques"... you might be a nurse.
If you can tell when the moon is full without looking up... you might be a nurse.
If you've seriously considered a chest tattoo with the words "No CPR"... you might be a nurse.
If you believe in demonic-possession by minions of Satan... you might be a nurse.
If you believe experience is something you don't get until right after it's needed... you might be a nurse.
If you play poker and keep a straight face by thinking of patient teaching... you might be a nurse.
If "taking out the trash" has nothing to do with garbage day... you might be a nurse.
If you've ever filled a clean urine cup with ice water because the ward was out of paper cups at the nursing station... you might be a nurse.
If you cut cake better with a tongue-depressor than with a knife... you might be a nurse.
If you've ever reviewed "precipitous delivery" in your head before getting into an elevator with a pregnant woman... you might be a nurse.
Posted by: Stashiu3 at
17:34:58
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Oh man. Don't know to laugh or cry.
Brings back many memories...
Posted by: EW1(SG) at 18 March 2008@20:54:45 (YcNsA)
2
I have a ton of these. I'll probably do another post with more later. Some are ones that I made up, others come from all over the place.
Posted by: Stashiu3 at 18 March 2008@23:21:34 (Q5ggV)
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